“For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man, someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
(Romans 5:6-8 NKJV)
I grew up in a typical Kiwi (New Zealand) home – Dad, Mum, and three siblings (I was third in line). Dad worked for the New Zealand Post, and Mum took care of the all family duties. We didn’t have much excess, but we got by with Mum and Dad always finding a way to put food on the table and clothes on our backs.
I was your typical Kiwi (New Zealand) kid, playing a sport, swimming in the local creek, and having many adventures around the neighborhood with my siblings and friends. But there was also a part of me that was never settled. I used to cause a lot of strife in our household. There seemed to be a part of me that liked to wind up people. I don’t know why, but at times I would deliberately set out to cause strife and wouldn’t stop antagonising people until the whole house was in chaos. Sadly, I would then feel a sense of pleasure once everything had exploded.
Anxiety and fear: Causing strife was only one of my childhood issues. For as long as I can remember I carried an uneasy feeling inside me. I never felt settled and always lacked peace. Over time this uneasy feeling grew to a point where I constantly felt anxious and lacked self-confidence with a mild cloud of fear hovering over me. I assumed this was normal as it had always been there and I knew no different. The anxiety lasted right through to my salvation. At times it would cripple me, causing me to either withdraw or lash out. I also lived with a constant feeling of being inadequate and second rate – it always seemed to be me who suffered rejection. I didn’t have the tools to deal with such feelings so I internalised my turmoil and be- gan to put on a mask to get by. On the outside I put on a brave face but inside I was falling into a deep hole of anxious loneliness and despair. Continued…
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